(Pretend this is being read by a ten year-old)

So what'd you get for Christmas? Uh huh. That's great. I got the Up movies from Ali. So cool. And the Alfred Hitchcock Presents box from my mom. And a black Sidney Crosby jersey from my dad. It's awesome! And some clothes. Oh, and a CD and some shoes. And an Atari game from my mother-in-law. And Star Wars 3. Oh, yeah, and a tie and some socks.

temp template

I don't really like this harbor-themed template, but I really don't like the amount of wasted space on the other one. I'm playing around with that other template in an effort to customize it and expand the text surface, but until I figure it out, I'll use this one.

This is all the Transformers movie I'll ever need

*from the cheston/pbf archive* (click to enlarge)

I just read this over and over.

I'm not kidding. This is the nicest thing I've read in who knows how long. I read it over and over again and enjoy it more each time. I'll forego the standard sentimental and retrospective platitudes and simply say that reading this makes me lightly euphoric.

Courtesy of the online Pittsburgh Post-Gazette:

State's oldest resident dies at 113
Friday, December 16, 2005

AP

COUDERSPORT, Pa. -- M. Gladys Swetland, believed to be the oldest resident of Pennsylvania, died Wednesday at Charles Cole Memorial Hospital. She was 113.

Miss Swetland was born in Mills, Potter County, on April 18, 1892, when Benjamin Harrison was president and Ellis Island began accepting immigrants, according to Caywood's Funeral Home in Elmira, N.Y., which is handling the funeral arrangements.

She started teaching at the Harrison Valley School in 1910. She saved money to attend Eastern Michigan Teachers College, where she earned a teaching degree, and later taught fifth and sixth grades in Detroit for 16 years.

Returning to Potter County to care for her mother, Miss Swetland taught third grade at the Harrison Valley School for 40 years. She retired at 70 but continued to substitute for almost 10 more years.

She never married but was engaged to a soldier who died in World War I.

She drove her automobile until well past her 100th birthday and lived in the Mills home where she was born until she was 110. During the last years of her life, she lived in the long-term care unit of Charles Cole Memorial Hospital in Coudersport.

It was there, on her 112th birthday, that she played piano for Gov. Ed Rendell.

She again played for relatives and other visitors, including state Sen. Joe Scarnati, R-Jefferson County, on her 113th birthday. Miss Swetland appeared on the "Today" show three days later.

In addition to the piano, she used to play the organ at Mills Union Church, where funeral services are slated to be held tomorrow.

Not Overhyped

A few minutes ago I walked in the door from the Penguins v. Avalanche game, and I'm overjoyed to be able to report firsthand that Sidney Crosby is every bit as good as I hoped he'd be. It won't show up on the scoresheet necessarily, where he got only a single assist in the 4-3 win, but he's as impressive as an eighteen year-old could be.

While he didn't get the points tonight, Crosby's got the same unmistakable points potential that only the great ones have. Even when it doesn't end up in the net from his stick or someone else's, you can just see how his mind is working out ways to create scoring chances. Blind passes and abrupt shots that are always on-target. The refusal to give up on a play. Like Mario, his linemates know they've always got to keep their sticks on the ice. I can't imagine there are five better passers in the league than him right now, and he's only going to get better. He doesn't have Lemieux's size or wingspan, though, or the accompanying ability to conserve movement. Crosby's more of a whirling dervish, though constantly under control, and he puts that high energy to good use-- he made a couple of nice defensive plays tonight, including one great puck-stripping while short-handed. With Mario out of the lineup (and Palffy, and LeClair), Crosby seemed to take ownership for the team's effort tonight, and the team got solid play from all four lines tonight.

Fittingly, Wayne Gretzky was in the building tonight to scout for Team Canada. I can't imagine he'd leave 87 off the Olympic squad.

She turned two three months ago.

My telephone rings. Ali is on the other end, and she greets me by beginning to talk.

"Did Virginia watch King Kong with you and Ruby last weekend?

I involuntarily freeze. What I am imagining is that Ginger has subjected one of her sisters or a family pet to the Tyranosaur treatment (i.e., ripping its jaws apart) or the giant snake treatment (i.e., whipping it violently onto the floor).

After a moment: "Uh, why?"

Ali proceeds to tell me that she was reading the morning paper and Virginia came up to her and saw a print ad for Peter Jackson's remake on the page. She pointed and said, "That's King Kong. He's mean. He gets that lady. He turns nice at the end. He dies." ***




*** translated from kidtalk. Actual phonetic: "Dat's Ding Dong. Ee's mean. Ee dets dat wady. Ee tuns night a'de en. Ee die." Yes, I cringed while typing it.

Gervais Podcasts

Clicking on this link beginning Monday the 5th will lead to the first of a series of podcasts from Ricky Gervais, co-creator of The Office, BBC version. If that show wasn't impressive enough-- and I'm still convinced of its greatness, having revisited large portions of it recently-- I admire the approach Gervais has taken since he became an overnight success. Smallish, personal projects. No obvious paychecks for paychecks' sake (the American version of the show really is pretty good, even if constrained by limits that the BBC original didn't have).

This should be good.

documents

I post the following not just because it's cute, but because this is one way I can be sure it won't be lost, as google takes steps daily to become the Collective Permanent Intelligence of the Future. Just a few weeks ago, right after Halloween, I came across a fantastic piece of paper in which Ruby had dictated to Leah her plans for Halloween costumes covering next year, when she's seven, up through until she turns eighteen. I meant to keep the paper somewhere safe, but it promptly got lost and now I can remember only that she planned to be a witch in 2006 and that I'll need to remind her that she's going as the Creature from the Black Lagoon in 2017.

To avoid a repeat, I preserve the following here. A school paper on which Leah wrote what she wished for when the Thanksgiving wishbone was figuratively snapped:

"I thought about all the pets that were in Katrena. I wished that they all could find homes. Maybe I could even take care of some of them. I would wish that vets would come find them. They would have to stay at the hospital pretty long but maybe they would survive. Leah"

Favorites of 2005 with one month to go

Updated to today.

1. SARABAND (A)
2. THE WORLD (A)
3. L'ENFANT (A)
4. ME AND YOU AND EVERYONE WE KNOW (A)
5. HOWL'S MOVING CASTLE (A-)
6. A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE (A-)
7. GEORGE A. ROMERO'S LAND OF THE DEAD (A-)
8. THE SQUID AND THE WHALE (B+)
9. WAR OF THE WORLDS (B+)
10. THE RISING: THE BALLAD OF MANGEL PANDEY (B+)

Drinking the MONEYBALL Kool-Aid

[Writer's Note: I'm posting the following as a sort of public shaming. blogger tells me I started this post on August 27. I never finished it. I suppose it's better that I didn't. Think of everything that's happened to the MONEYBALL crowd since 8/27. The A's collapsed and didn't make the playoffs. Kenny Williams, the GM derided in the book as Oakland's biggest fan for the lopsided trades Beane wrung from the Chisox, now has one more World Series ring than Beane. Paul DePodesta, his once and maybe future right-hand man, was canned by the Dodgers for being unable to win despite bucketloads of cash. Anyway, on to the obsolete.]

Did you check the baseball standings this morning? The relevant stats read like this:

WINS LOSSES % GB PAYROLL COST PER WIN
OAKLAND A'S 75 56 .573 -- $55,425,762 $739,010

CLEVELAND INDIANS 74 58 .561 1.5 $41,502,500 $560,844

PITTSBURGH PIRATES 55 78 .414 20.5 $38,133,000 $693,327

The cost per win isn't right, I know, because that needs to be done with a full year's record, and as far as I know, that's opening-day roster. Throwing the Indians into the mix was a last-minute decision prompted by my incredulity with how well they're doing in comparison to what they're paying out. As for the A's and the Pirates, it's merely the comparison between the baseball team I follow (informally) and the one I wish I was following.

In May of 2003 I finished a week-long trial in federal court that concluded a thirty-year piece of litigation, seven of which had happened on my watch. Winding down from that, we were set to take a five-day trip to Washington D.C. to visit my aunt and see some of the sights. I went to Barnes & Noble to pick out a vacation book, and I narrowed it down to two choices: Eric Schlosser's book about black markets in America and Michael Lewis's Moneyball. I chose Schlosser's book and might have made it to page seventy-five. I didn't catch up to Moneyball until our trip to the beach this year, and it made me all the more disappointed that I went the other way two years ago.

At one level, this is the book that Kevin McClatchy doesn't want me to read, as it shows that an unconventional and whip-smart approach to managing baseball resources can beat pure wealth. The book dissects Billy Beane's success in producing regular-season wins, and consequently destroys every argument the Pirates routinely make about why they are mired in their thirteenth consecutive losing season. It's funny that I read it when I did, as the A's didn't make the postseason last year and nosedived in May to a sub-.500 level. All of the hype and the offseason trades of Tim Hudson and Mark Mulder had caught up to the front-office savant, or so went the conventional wisdom. Now, of course, they're headed for the postseason again after a torrid summer. They'll have an asterisk affixed to their success until they win in the playoffs, but maybe this will be the year. Last year Theo Epstein got to show that sabermetrics plus $125 million could overcome the postseason crap shoot. Why not the A's?

At another level, the book is so satisfying because the Oakland approach can be applied to any number of areas/markets that are mired in stagnating groupthink...

Raging Bull

My younger cousin Craig works for the Denver Police Department. He's insanely strong and, more importantly, big-hearted and even-keeled. He loves to remind me that when we were younger, I would use my long-gone size advantage to pin him down and make him say that I was his Supreme Commander.

I thought intra-police boxing tourneys were just a plot device cooked up on NYPD Blue to let Zack from Saved By the Bell avenge a wronged girlfriend. I was as wrong as wrong can be. Not only do they exist, but they take place in Bermuda.

My aunt sent along this gripping story from the island's paper recounting Craig's fight.

"Craig Klukas (Denver PD) beat Gareth Dixon (BDA Police) by retirement
Round 1: Gone in 20 seconds. Klukas comes flying out of his corner like a raging bull. Dixon takes one look, makes arguably the most sensible decision of the night and runs for cover.
Klukas chases him round the ring before the ref gets the message and stops the fight."

I've read it ten times and can't stop laughing.

My 2005 Top Ten As Of November 3

If the year ended today, my Top Ten films would be

1. SARABAND (A)
2. L'ENFANT (A)
3. ME AND YOU AND EVERYONE WE KNOW (A)
4. HOWL'S MOVING CASTLE (A-)
5. A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE (A-)
6. GEORGE A. ROMERO'S LAND OF THE DEAD (A-)
7. WAR OF THE WORLDS (B+)
8. TIM BURTON'S THE CORPSE BRIDE (B+)
9. MARCH OF THE PENGUINS (B+)
10. THE WAYWARD CLOUD (B)

Ruby's Halloween Costume

The girls had lots of fun on Halloween. No developed pictures yet, but here's a link to a picture of Ruby from her class party. She's the fancy Japanese lady on the left.

Miscellany/ Bad Stand-Up

* In local news, a man was fined $300 for holding himself out as Steelers quarterbacks Ben Roethlisberger and Brian St. Pierre to unsuspecting and media-illiterate single women. Upon leaving the courtroom, Tommy Maddox approached the man and offered to pay him $300 if he'd pretend to be him for a while.

* I hope that if the World Series goes back to new Comiskey, the customary camera cutaway to celebs in attendance will fall on this guy. (insert obligatory "Ligue of his own" ref)

* I watched most of last night's Falcons-Jets game. I'm actually not able to believe how glaringly bad the Jets' clock/game management is, despite their hiring the clockwatcher who stands next to Herm. Near the end of the first half, with the opportunity to do something to make the second half more than just a formality, Vinny throws a ball to Chrebet which he traps but which is ruled a catch. Rather than run up and run a play or spike the ball to prevent replay review, the Jets call time and practically compel the play to be reviewed (and overturned). They improbably get the ball back before the half ends, but then another blundered miscommunication about where they are on the clock and the field results in them just letting time run out while the offense is lined up at midfield. No long field goal setup or attempt. No Hail Mary.

Seriously, if I was playing the Jets, I'd hire Flavor Flav to walk up and down my team's sideline, and every time Herm looked over our way, I'd have Flavor point to that big clock around his neck. You'd be deep in his head.

And maybe I just haven't watched enough Falcons games, but is Michael Vick even in the Top Ten quarterbacks in the league?

* Non-sports: I'm glad to have the DVD of George A. Romero's Land of the Dead now, but after seeing the weekend box office come out like this...

1 N Doom Uni. $15,488,870 - 3,044 - $5,088 $15,488,870 $60 1
2 N Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story DW $9,178,233 - 2,007 +1,012 $4,573 $9,178,233 $32 1
3 2 Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit DW $8,584,304 -25.5% 3,472 -184 $2,472 $43,918,009 - 3
4 1 The Fog SonR $6,665,475 -43.3% 2,972 - $2,242 $20,913,919 $18 2
5 N North Country WB $6,422,455 - 2,555 - $2,513 $6,422,455 $35 1
6 3 Elizabethtown Par. $5,621,009 -47.1% 2,517 - $2,233 $18,848,975 $45 2
7 4 Flightplan BV $4,724,629 -27.2% 2,513 -598 $1,880 $77,294,514 - 5
8 5 In Her Shoes Fox $3,885,189 -36.4% 2,237 -603 $1,736 $26,179,382 - 3
9 8 A History of Violence NL $2,699,962 -25.0% 1,308 -40 $2,064 $26,300,395 $32 5
10 6 Two for the Money Uni. $2,421,835 -48.3% 1,693 -704 $1,430 $20,706,660 $35 3

...I agree with my friend Paul that the film should have been released this month instead of in June. In fact, it should have been released this past weekend. That would have given The Fog one weekend to attract indiscriminate teenagers, then left the rest of October for Romero's film. They might have moved Doom to get away from it. It would have been the first time in a while that a horror movie with some cred had Halloween to itself. Saw 2? Come on.

The Red Lynx Wagon

i. Expressionless Barney

Owing to my circumstances, I've become something of a conoisseur of insightful or unusually hilarious things said by children under the age of ten. I'm pretty sure the undisputed heavyweight champion of such statements is the following remark recorded by Judd Apatow in a diary he wrote for Slate:

My daughter Maude was 5 when she realized that Barney had only one expression. She couldn't stop laughing when she noticed this. She ran around the living room with this psychotic Barney smile which never changed, and then started saying, "I'm happy. I'm sad." She laughed some more and then screamed, "Help me! I don't know how to feel." At 7, my daughter also punched up the drunk-driving sequence in The 40-Year-Old Virgin—which features my wife, Leslie Mann, as the drunk driver—by saying to me one day in the car, "When mom is driving badly, she should fall asleep." The next day she tried to button the joke by telling me, "Dad, when mom falls asleep in the car, she should gas."

After we showed the movie to a crowd, I came home and told Maude, "Mom falling asleep got a huge laugh." To which she replied flatly, "Yes, but did she gas?" When I said, "No," she just shook her head. She is either in for a lifetime of neurosis or a lucrative career as a comedy writer.

I love that these insights come from a little girl named Maude. As that's one of the old woman names not to come back into nouveau vogue, and given Apatow's affection for Hal Ashby, I'm guessing his daughter's name is an homage.

ii. That Lingering Undead Problem

It seems that despite four Pittsburgh-centered Romero films on the subject and dozens of films by others, the region just hasn't faced up to the looming dangers.

iii. That Lingering Hearing Problem

It's been twenty-one hours and my left ear is still ringing pretty distinctly. My pal Shane took me to the U2 concert last night and we had a great time. They're fantastic showmen. Setlist and tour info here.

iv. Book Clubs

It's easy to get cynical about the emergent book club culture, provided, of course, that you can get past the idea that it's an intrinsic positive that people are purportedly reading books and discussing them. Ali pointed me to this article in last Tuesday's paper, and I think it's so fantastic that this club exists, even in its somewhat antiquated, dying-out form. It looks like we're now a little too far north for Ali to be eligible for membership under the criteria as they're stated in the article, but I'm glad it's there, and the thought that these women are going to such great lengths to pursue knowledge and understanding for its own sake-- and not because of a perceived economic, social or other advantage it might confer-- is one of the best things I've heard all week.

Then again, I'm not hearing much now.

v. The 2005 Three Rivers Film Festival

The 3RFF schedule was released this week, and ten of the fortysomething films apparently played in Toronto. Looks intriguing.

Thursday, Nov 3
B 7:30 (reception 6:00) Beyond The Rocks [US 22] with Philip Carli live (*)

Friday, Nov 4
R 8:00 (doors 7:00) Pride and Prejudice [UK 05]
H 8:00 (doors 7:00) Breakfast on Pluto [UK 05]
M 8:30 (doors 7:30) SQUONKumentary [US 05 a] followed by Squonk Opera live

Saturday, Nov 5
R 2:30 The Ninth Day [G 05]
R 4:30 Reel Paradise [US 05]
R 7:00 The President’s Last Bang [K 04]
R 11:00 X: The Man w the X-Ray Eyes [US 63] with Pere Ubu live (*)
H 2:30 Nickelodeon 5¢ Screening with Philip Carli live (*)
H 4:45 Iron Island [Iran 05]
H 7:00 Harlan County, USA [US 76]
H 9:00 Dorian Blues [US 04]
M 2:30 SQUONKumentary [US 05 a]
M 4:00 Das Bus [US 04]
H 6:30 (reception 8:00) Dumpster [US 05 a p]
H 9:00 (reception 8:00) Dumpster [US 05 a p]

Sunday, Nov 6
R 3:00 Jesus, Mary & Joey [US 04]
R 5:00 The Ninth Day [G 05]
R 7:30 The Squid and the Whale [US 05]
H 2:30 The World [China 04]
H 5:15 Breakfast on Pluto [UK 05]
H 8:00 Symbiopsychotaxiplasm: Take 1 [US 68]
M 3:00 Das Bus [US 04]
M 5:00 Mutual Appreciation [US 05]
M 7:30 Darwin’s Nightmare [Austria/B/F 04]

Monday, Nov 7
R 7:15 Reel Paradise [US 05]
R 9:30 The President’s Last Bang [K 04]
H 7:15 Harlan County USA [US 76]
H 9:15 Dorian Blues [US 04]
M 7:15 Darwin’s Nightmare [Austria/B/F 04]
M 9:30 Mutual Appreciation [US 05]

Tuesday, Nov 8
R 7:15 Jesus, Mary & Joey [US 04]
R 9:30 Pure [UK 05]
H 7:15 Symbiopsychotaxiplasm: Take 1 [US 68]
H 9:00 The World [China 04]
M 8:00 (reception 7:00) Film Kitchen [US a p] (*)

Wednesday, Nov 9
R 7:15 Pure [UK 05]
R 9:15 Dear Wendy [G 05]
H 7:15 Iron Island [Iran 05]
H 9:15 Côte d’Azur [F 05]
R 8:00 Video Data Bank program [US a]

Thursday, Nov 10
R 7:15 Dear Wendy [G 05]
R 9:15 À Tout de Suite [F 05]
H 7:15 Last Victory [Italy 04]
H 9:15 Côte d’Azur [F 05]
M 7:15 Electric Edwardians [UK]
M 9:00 Filmic Achievement [US 05 a]

Friday, Nov 11
R 7:15 Why We Fight [US 05]
R 9:15 Manderlay [Denmark 05]
H 7:30 (reception 9:00) Short Film Awards
M 7:15 Electric Edwardians [UK]
M 9:00 Dogplayers [US 05 a p]

Saturday, Nov 12
R 1:30 La Petite Jérusalem [F/ I 05]
R 3:45 Manderlay [Denmark 05]
R 6:30 À Tout de Suite [F 05]
R 8:30 The Memsahib [US/India 05 a]
H 4:30 Last Victory [Italy 04]
H 6:30 The World’s Fastest Indian [NZ/US 05]
H 9:00 My Beautiful Girl Mari [K 02]
M 4:30 Derailroaded [US 05 a]
M 7:00 Filmic Achievement [US 05 a]
M 9:15 Story of a Fructiferous Society [US 05 a p]

Sunday, Nov 13
R 2:15 La Petite Jérusalem [F/ I 05]
R 4:30 Lost Embrace [A 04]
R 7:00 Why We Fight [US 05]
H 1:00 The World’s Fastest Indian [NZ/US 05]
H 3:30 Short Films program
M 2:30 Derailroaded [US 05 a]
M 5:00 Ballets Russes [US 05]
M 7:30 Dogplayers [US 05 a p]

Monday, Nov 14
R 8:00 The Memsahib [US/India 05 a]
H 7:15 My Beautiful Girl Mari [K 02]
H 9:00 Keane [US 05]
M 7:00 (reception 5:30) Ballets Russes [US 05]
M 9:15 Story of a Fructiferous Society [US 05 a p]

Tuesday, Nov 15
R 7:15 Lost Embrace [A 04]
R 9:15 At Last [US 05 a]
H 7:15 Keane [US 05]
H 9:15 Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace [Canada 04]
M 7:15 William Eggleston in the Real World [US 05]
M 9:15 Short Films program

Wednesday, Nov 16
R 8:00 At Last [US 05 a]
H 8:00 Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace [Canada 04]
M 7:00 Photo Auction closing reception (*)
M 8:00 William Eggleston in the Real World [US 05]

Thursday, Nov 17
R 8:00 Blackmail [UK 29] with Alloy Orch live (*)

I'm going to sift through these and try to come up with between five and ten screenings I'd really like to make. Further details on particular films can be found here. Comments on any of them are welcome.

anti-spam

Sorry for the added inconvenience w.r.t. leaving comments now, but I've been overrun by spam and the new setting should eliminate that.

This World Expands and Contracts with the Bellows-Shaped Internet

I've been looking for my friend Ebere for the last twelve years. The last time I saw him was on the day I graduated from college. I talked to him through the driver's side window while his car was parked in front of my dormitory. I was carrying boxes out to my car. We were both hurried and I tried to give him quick directions to our wedding, which would be two weeks later and fifty miles away. We haven't seen each other since that moment, or had contact of any kind. I've missed him.

In the late nineties the search went electronic, and after running some white pages searches I called a couple of wrong numbers I'd thought might have some promise. About a year ago I put a "please contact if you have any information" notice in our college's alumni magazine, figuring someone we graduated with would know something. No replies of any kind. Every time I ran into someone we both had known, I'd ask if they knew anything about his whereabouts. Nothing.

A few weeks ago I punched in my quarterly google search and found my friend through a mention in a story written for his university. I called the story's writer to enlist his help and narrowed my internet search. Then, two nights later, while sitting at The Ground Round waiting for my hamburger after covering part of a meeting, my telephone rings. My friend's on the other end. He'd been thinking about me, too.

I've probably told a dozen friends and two or three family members that I (used to) write this weblog. I keep it low-key. I've maintained a rigorous no-writing-about-work policy (second only, apparently, to my no-writing-about-anything policy of late), but this is both not substantive and too interrelated not to mention. Two days after that aforementioned google search wiped out twelve and a half years of non-contact, I'm sitting in my boss's office, and we're conducting a telephone conference call with opposing counsel in a federal case. We're holding the informal conference required under Federal Rule 26 and the Local Rules to set forth a proposed pretrial discovery schedule. Neither my boss nor I has had any real contact with opposing counsel before. As we're discussing various deadlines, one of the three of us mentions the judge's court procedures set forth on his webpage, and then the voice on the other end of the line says, "You have a blog, don't you?" My boss, surprised, says "No, I don't." I say, "Yes, that's me."

(believe/don't believe) the hype

This story was the third link down on espn.com's hot headlines at one point this evening. I love the buzz, of course, and I'm more hopeful than anybody that the production will exceed the publicity, but it's pretty laughable. Crosby making some nice plays in a non-contact scrimmage against guys who in three weeks will be lucky to be playing in Scranton/Wilkes-Barre is just news for news's sake. It's times like these that I like to remind myself that Sid's landlord/left wing/check-signer won two Stanley Cups at a time when each and every playoff game was broadcast only on regional television.

Best press exchange thus far occurred when Mario was asked if Sid would be allowed to have girls over, and he replied that he would, but "No sleepovers."

Those pictures look ungood

I'm not going to take them down, but do excuse the low quality scans below. I'm not sure why they uploaded so poorly. They don't look that bad at flickr. Could it be a symptom of dial-up?

One: Indicator #1 of Lameness or the Exact Opposite

Every week, when I take the recycling bin out to the roadside, I put the tequila bottle(s) and beer bottles on top of the pop cans and milk jugs and detergent bottles. I turn the labels upward. My specific intent is to induce the municipal collectors to say to themselves, "Hey, they have a lot of fun."

Two: Virginia: You Are Two (Sunday)

You are a uniquely delightful creature, both superlatively adorable and uncannily mischievous.

Four: Four Films Confirmed, One Not Yet Confirmed

Next Friday night I'm driving up to Toronto to spend the last day of TIFF with some friends. Well, and we'll be seeing movies. Here are the shows I'm confirmed to see, provided I can avoid getting horrendously lost before or between screenings:

9/17
9:30 a.m. The Wayward Cloud
12:00 p.m. All the Invisible Children
2:45 p.m. L'Enfant
9:15 p.m. The Porcelain Doll

I'm going to do everything I can to get in to a 6:30 p.m. show of Ferrara's Mary.

I'm excited for a bunch of reasons. I've been wanting to see the Dardenne film for too long and I'll enjoy having the chance to see some friends and meet new ones. But I'm fairly perplexed at the thought of seeing five full-length films in one day. I haven't really binged like that too often. It's like ordering a huge pizza all for yourself.

Six: Ruby: You Are Six

Last night we told Ruby she could pick any restaurant for a birthday meal, provided that she didn't choose either McDonald's or Chuck E. Cheese. To our surprise and delight, she said without hesitation that she wanted to go to abay, to which we had taken her and her sisters last winter. We had a great time. Then she threw up on the car ride home.

we are winning

Ali's Grandma Pearl presents eight year-old Leah with a snazzy, shiny red purse on the occasion of her beginning third grade.

GRANDMA PEARL: It's Mary-Kate and Ashley's!
LEAH: (perplexed) But it looks new.

Happiness is...

...watching The Man Who Planted Trees with your kids on Saturday then, while hiking with them on Sunday, having them fill your pockets with acorns so that later you can separate the good seeds from the bad ones and consider where to plant them.

a la carte

I have substantially the same conversation with someone different every couple of months. I'm going through the twists and turns in my history with and without cable television and explaining how my life is both better and worse in my present cabled or uncabled state. It's rather pathetic, moreso because I go to great lengths to talk about what a struggle it is for me. I can't help it; I have this irrational fixation that apart from all the other comits and omits I've authored, I'll have to face on the Last Great Day some ledger which tells me how much elapsed time I devoted to "Fantasy Island" in comparison to that which I devoted to reading Dostoevsky. Anyway, at some point in the rote conversation I or my interlocutor will say, "It's such a shame you can't just pick the channels you want. I could really do with [five, ten, fifteen] channels."

So I'm sitting in a chair on the beach back in June, reading a copy of Businessweek that was lying around the beach house. I stumbled across this story and couldn't help but laugh heartily. Really, could you have imagined a more hilarious consortium of anti-competition? I won't be able to not-want my MTV, and apparently I have Ralph Reed and Pat Robertson to thank for it.

What's funny is that my reasons for seeking to limit my cable channels jibe pretty well with Robertson's agenda of excoriating cul-too-ral degradayshun. For my sake and that of my wife and daughters, we could do without the stream of sadistic violence and vertically-shaking rumps and sleb worship and shout-down news and whatever is being passed off as programing by the people at E!. And, yeah, I know that among the channels I'd enthusiastically add to my plate I'd get different kinds of nothingness and low-end culture, but at least I'd have more direct culpability in choosing it. But Robertson knows what I know: despite the fact that I'm a Christian and a large plurality of the country similarly self-identifies (at least according to those Gallup polls), I/we would not pay any amount of money to have his cable channel piped into our living room. It just isn't any good.

Unless, of course, we were interested in watching the endless cycle of two-stepping, in which Robertson makes some indefensible statement or another and then spends a few days denying it or claiming misquoting and then a few more days apologizing and clarifying. That might be worth something.

Robertson, for his part, would likely offer some justification for his lobbying efforts rooted not in personal self-preservation, but in advancement of the Kingdom of God. CBN's continued free-riding and the anti-competitive measures necessary to keep it so are worthwhile just because it provides one more outlet for people to hear the Word of God, he'd argue. I'm not going to be the one to put a dollar figure on eternal salvation (I'll leave that to the televangelists), but I would like to see a tally of how much lowest-common-denominator, spirit-killing prepackaged masturbational fantasy Pat and the other 699 members of his Club are willing to stick us all with in order to continue evading the marketplace.

What I cannot abide: self-proclaimed capitalists who don't really believe in capitalism.

ADDENDUM 8.29.05: I intended, but plainly forgot, to address the first half of the article, in which it is announced that the same coalition will continue to agitate, through FCC-applied pressure and other means, to control the content of cable channels directly. We can wonder whether this is because direct-mail campaigns are so much easier to sell when the phrase on the outside of the envelope is HELP US STOP CABLE FILTH NOW rather than MAKE CABLE TV REFLECT THE ACTUAL VIEWING PREFERENCES OF THE SUBSCRIBERS.

Oh, and this makes two anti-competitive efforts spearheaded by Reed. Combine this with that deal a few years ago wherein he was lobbying for a Christian group who opposed the expansion of gambling in Alabama (again, a political stance which I think has merit, at least in theory). At some point in the effort, an infusion of cash was needed, and somehow a pile of money fronted by the Choctaw tribe ends up in the anti-gambling coffers. The Choctaw, of course, owned casinos in neighboring Mississippi and preferred not to have to compete with Alabama casinos.

What these two events add up to is this: if some sort of multi-era crossroads of time allowed for a meeting of Adam Smith and Ralph Reed, Smith would extract Reed's heart from his bony chest and eat it in front of him.

Dan Laugharn projects: Sufjan Stevens's Texas

This is a great list.

1. From Houston to the Moon and Beyond
2. Lights Over Marfa
3. Permian High School
4. Big Tex welcomes you to the Texas State Fair
5. Santa Anna (Remember the Alamo)
6. Crossing the Rio Grande
7. Cut n' Shoot
8. The Grassy Knoll
9. Ten Wonderful Years of the Republic of Texas
10. Texas Instruments
11. Panhandlers
12. The German Towns of Hill Country
13. Waco
14. Beauty Pageants
15. The Battle of Galveston
16. Sam Houston
17. Huntsville Correctional Facility
18. They Closed the Plant in Sugarland
19. Hey Hey, LBJ
20. Approaching Big Bend from the East

"Penn's Woods and Wouldn'ts"

All right, I reorganized my own list into (1) places, (2) events and (3) people. There's always overlap, of course, between the categories.

I. Places

a. Steel towns generally. Pittsburgh, but also Homestead and Monongahela and the Braddock/Rankin corridor. The towns' strange prosperity and ethnic vibrance dating from the late nineteenth century through the middle 1970s.
b. Punxsutawney and their inexplicable groundhog. Also an event.
c. Three Mile Island. Also an event. This will surely displace Midnight Oil's haggard "Harrisburg" as the best song written about TMI.
d. The Monongahela + Allegheny = Ohio confluence. Yeah, homer here, but it's still a neat thing to see, at least in part because of how it's just there.
e. Philadelphia's Independence Hall, Liberty Bell, various statues of Ben Franklin.

II. Events

f. The 1892 Homestead Strike. It reportedly helped in large part to hand the presidential election to Grover Cleveland later that year.
g. MOVE.
h. Dwyer's press conference.
i. The attempted assassination of H.C. Frick. The way I've heard it, as he's bleeding on the floor and people are wrestling the assassin down, Frick is dictating a telegram to Carnegie to tell him he's going to live.
j. Gettysburg.
k. Mrs. Soffel breaking Mel Gibson out of the Allegheny County jail.
l. General Braddock falling at Fort Duquesne in the French and Indian War. Man, this list is too western Pennsylvania-heavy.

III. People

m. Boxers, fake and real: Rocky Balboa and Smokin' Joe Frazier.
n. Satchel Paige and the Pittsburgh Crawfords.
o. Fred Rogers.

Shane Rooney: Sufjan Stevens's Pennsylvania

My pal Shane Rooney has sent in his hypothesis for what a Pennsylvania-centered album might look like. His list has affinity with mine. Shane and I earned our doctor of law degrees at the same time and place and share the same life-sustaining passion for the Pittsburgh Penguins. He introduced Ali and I to the cinema of Wim Wenders. He projects thus:

I will go so far as to predict the album name: "You've Got a Friend In Pennsylvania."

Using your groupings

Obvious but poignant:

1. Flight 93

Strong candidates

1. Declaration of Independence in Philadelphia July 4, 1776
2. Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia 1787
3. Three Mile Island accident
4. Battle of Gettysburg/Gettysburg Address
5. Ben Franklin

Longshots

1. There was some movie(s) about slow moving, carnivorous creatures filmed near Pittsburgh, can’t quite think of the name
2. The Immaculate Reception
3. Johnstown Flood 1889
4. Valley Forge
5. Mother Katherine Drexel (Philadelphia), canonized in 2000. Only Pennsylvania born canonized saint. http://www.catholic-forum.com/saints/saintk03.htm
6. Falling Water http://www.paconserve.org/index-fw1.asp
7. Pennsylvania's lost highway: The continuous 12 mile long, abandoned stretch of Pennsylvania turnpike near Breezewood, including two tunnels. Perhaps the longest, abandoned paved road in the U.S?http://www.briantroutman.com/highways/abandonedpaturnpike/
8. "Chocolate Town" -Hershey, PA

Bits of Miscellany

I. Birth Announcement

Belated congratulations to my friend Kirby and his wife Suedehead on the birth of a daughter, Una Lou.

With a name that adorable, she's genetically predetermined to be a superlative cutie.

And therein lies Kirby's problem.

II. More of a Help or a Hinderance: Undetermined

So last weekend I helped my friends the Ottermans move into their new digs. I forgot as I went home that an enormous box representing all of their clothes hangers was tucked away safely in the cavernous trunk of my antiquated automobile. This goes on for five days while they search frantically everywhere, including both their old and new houses, for the missing hangers.

Have I just ensured that my number won't be called the next time they move?

III. That Kind of Summer

Last night Ali opened the DVD closet and stood there looking for something to watch while ironing. I guessed what she was going to pick before I heard the opening rock song from upstairs. Three Kings. It's been that kind of summer for her. Since June she's read Reading Lolita in Tehran, The Kite Runner, Persepolis and Persepolis 2 and we've spent several nights over the past couple of weeks with Kiarostami's 10. Not to mention whatever news is available to a household with one newspapaer subscription and no cable. Sure, a couple of those books have been pimped in the mainstream press quite a bit (my own reading progress from that list is limited to Persepolis and being in the midst of The Kite Runner), but it's been a middle east summer.

Shall We Play a Game? (Sufjan Stevens-related)

Last Saturday I spent the day with the girls at an amusement park with far, far too many people per square foot contained therein. The water park portion was especially unsettling, particularly one shallow pool which contained way too many people on way too hot a day. At one point I became convinced that I was swimming in a refreshingly cool, Olympic-sized receptacle of urine and I had to immediately get out. All that stuffedness, though, will be forgotten as the days roll on, and what I will remember is how on that day I heard over and over in my mind the piano line from "Concerning the UFO Sighting near Highland, Illinois" and how it made that place enchanted. There was a dusklight ferris wheel ride with my oldest daughter fused with that song that I hope I never forget or allow to fade.

And let me tell you that if I was the President I would immediately sign an Executive Order mandating that certain television shows replace their theme songs. The Order would apply to all of the tentacles of the C.S.I. octopus. It would apply to the Cold Cases and Hard Cases and the Without a Traces and that Law & Order spin-off where writers sit around and try to top each other by coming up with more and more outlandish sex crimes involving children. In short, if the show fetishizes violent acts or violent actors, it's covered. My Executive Order would mandate that when you tune in to one of those shows, you don't get to hear some bouncy, procedural tune. You would not hear The motherfucking Who. You would hear "John Wayne Gacy, Jr." in its entirety.

"John Wayne Gacy, Jr." is the song where Stevens spent some time reading about Gacy's growing up, looked up from all of that and couldn't remember which one was the monster. It wasn't because he forgot how terrible and dehumanizing were the things Gacy did. Not that at all. Rather, his awareness of his own sin made it impossible for him to construct the Other. Why did a seemingly gentle man kill helpless people? Because I am a poor miserable creature, sinful and unclean.

There are lots of exciting things to talk and write about when you're animated by an album like Come on feel the Illinoise. You can talk about the way in which Stevens manages to create an aesthetic that accomodates both irony and meaning. You can talk about the way that he answers the question concerning whether Christian musicians have anything to say to anybody other than the faithful (the "faithful" being defined, with both irony and meaning, as people who buy their music primarily in Family Bookstores). Beyond those big things, you can talk about how Stevens improbably makes American microhistory and macrohistory exciting and funny and endearing.

I can't wait until he gets to Pennsylvania. I'm already imagining what it will look like.

So here's my challenge: take whatever state you, my single-digit readership, reside within and love it like Sufjan will love it. Pick twenty or so locations or people or events or oddities and make a list of what you could envision Stevens's album looking like for your state. Then submit them and we'll list them here-- I'll make separate blog posts for each of them. Entries with links or explanatory text for your people, locations and events will be especially awesome, but who am I kidding? I'll just be happy if this doesn't go completely ignored. (To Dan: your state for purposes of this exercise is Tejas.) (To residents of Michigan and Illinois: just put your heads down on your desks.) Then, in years to come, we'll revisit the posts as the prolific musician releases the albums for the respective states and we'll see whether we got any of the songs right. I figure if this blog goes, it's because Blogger goes, and if Blogger goes, Google goes, and if Google goes, it's all over.

I've already got ten or so locations out of twenty or so for the Keytsone State, but am resisting listing them in full because I don't want to scare off others from this fine state. I'll be grouping my guesses into (1) Near-locks (e.g. the Homestead strike of 1892), (2) Long shots (e.g. Rocky Balboa) and (3) Obvious but Poignant (e.g. Budd Dwyer's televised resignation). I'll post mine on Wednesday, August 24, along with the entries of anybody else who wants to play.