Josias Manzanillo

I knew that guy was juicing.

November, 2007 Film Viewings

11/1 The Wire 1.9
11/2 The Suburbanite (1904)
11/3 The Wire 1.10
Twilight Zone: The Movie (Landis, Miller, Spielberg and Dante, 1982)
11/4 The Wire 1.11
11/6 The Wire 1.12, 1.13
11/8 Beauty in Trouble (Hrebejk ,2006)
11/9 The Nines (August, 2007)
The Island (Lounguine, 2006)
11/10 The Wire 2.1, 2.2
Blood Car (Orr, 2007)
11/13 Times and Winds (Erdem, 2007)
11/14 The Wire 2.3
11/15 Fireworks (Anger, 1947)
Rabbit's Moon (Anger, 1950)
Scorpio Rising (Anger, 1963)
Kustom Kar Kommandos (Anger, 1965)
Mouse Heaven (Anger, 2004)
Elliott's Suicide (Anger, 2004)
My Surfing Lucifer (Anger, 2007)
11/16 The Return (Zvyagintsev, 2003)
11/17 Freaky Friday (Nelson, 1975)
11/18 The Wire 2.4
11/20 The Wire 2.5
11/21 Superman: The Movie (Donner, 1979)
11/22 The Wire 2.6, 2.7
11/23 The Wire 2.8, 2.9
11/24 1408
11/25 The Wire 2.10
11/26 The Wire 2.11
11/27 The Wire 2.12
11/28 The Wire 3.1
11/29 The Wire 3.2

#13

*

I've never read any of her books, so I've got no context apart from admiring the directness and obviousness of this statement from Jodi Picoult about her writing habits:

"I may write garbage, but you can always edit garbage. You can't edit a blank page."

Isn't it really that simple?

Kicks

[Screams]

October, 2007 Film Viewings

October One- The Wire 3.3
October Four- Pittsburgh (2006)
October Five- Shut Up and Sing
October Six- Cat People (Tourneur, 1942)
October Eight- The Black Dahlia (DePalma, 2005)
October Nine- Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (Story, 2007)
Prison Town, U.S.A. (POV)
No Angels in the Outfield (POV)
October Fourteen- Little Miss Sunshine
October Sixteen- For Your Consideration (Guest, 2006)
October Eighteen- Viridiana (Bunuel, 1961)
October Nineteen- Dough & Stuff (Puiu, 2001)
October Twenty- Eastern Promises (Cronenberg, 2007)
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (Dominik, 2007)
October Twenty-One- The Devil Came on Horseback (Sundberg and Stern, 2007)
Several Vitaphone Shorts
The Wire 1.1
October Twenty-Two- Fast Food Nation (Linklater, 2006)
October Twenty-Four- The Wire 1.2
October Twenty-Five- The Wire 1.3
October Twenty-Six- The Pursuit of Happyness
October Twenty-Seven- R.L. Stine's The Haunting Hour: Don't Even Think About It
Into the Wild (Penn, 2007)
October Twenty-Eight- The Wire 1.4, 1.5
October Twenty-Nine- The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (1910)
October Thirty- The Wire 1.6
October Thirty-One- The Wire 1.7, 1.8

Halloween Costumes 2007

We went all-superhero this year: Batgirl, Wonder Woman and Wolfpack from Weird War Tales.

He Is Always Watching Me

Best $14.99 I've ever spent. I hope response is strong enough that they make the nurse.

Week #7 NFL Picks

Wherein the slide continues...

NEW ORLEANS over Atlanta
BUFFALO over Baltimore (who hasn't beat a good team all year)
DETROIT over Tampa Bay
WASHINGTON over Arizona
HOUSTON over Tennessee
NY GIANTS over San Francisco
New England over MIAMI
OAKLAND over Kansas City
CINCINNATI over NY Jets
SEATTLE over St. Louis
DALLAS over Minnesota
PHILADELPHIA over Chicago
Pittsburgh over DENVER
JACKSONVILLE over Indianapolis

Last week: 6-7. Season: 55-34.

Three Rivers Film Festival 2007

The Three Rivers Film Festival website posted its list of films recently, and I'm a bit disappointed. I suppose I shouldn't be; I've seen the up-and-down crowds at the screenings I've attended over the past few years. But I remember how exciting it was to see Notre Musique in a packed theater on a Saturday afternoon. And three years ago Guy Maddin appeared at the festival's opening night with Cowards Bend the Knee, on the same night they screened Moolade. Don't get me wrong-- there are a few really great films in there. We'll get a baby sitter and see Persepolis, and I'm going to catch the Kenneth Anger program and the Burnett film and a couple of others look really good. I'm sure there are some great films in there that I just haven't found yet. I had just been hoping we'd get more of the Toronto films, like we have in years past. I'm not as surprised that 4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days is absent, but from the nothing I know about festival programing it seems like Silent Light or The Banishment or The Man From London or Secret Sunshine or Useless would have been in the range.

As always, any recommendations would be warmly appreciated.

Week #6 NFL Picks

KANSAS CITY over Cincinnati
JACKSONVILLE over Houston
CLEVELAND over Miami
CHICAGO over Minnesota
N.Y. JETS over Philadelphia
BALTIMORE over St. Louis
Tennessee over TAMPA BAY
Washington over GREEN BAY
ARIZONA over Carolina
DALLAS over New England
SAN DIEGO over Oakland
SEATTLE over New Orleans
N.Y. Giants over ATLANTA

Last week: 8-6. Season: 49-27.

I am fading fast.

Week #5 NFL Picks

PITTSBURGH over Seattle (the bounce-back, Super Bowl XL was no fluke game)
NEW ORLEANS over Carolina (the season's not lost yet game)
KANSAS CITY over Jacksonville
Detroit over WASHINGTON
TENNESSEE over Atlanta
HOUSTON over Miami
NEW ENGLAND over Cleveland
Arizona over ST. LOUIS
N.Y. GIANTS over N.Y. Jets
INDIANAPOLIS over Tampa Bay
DENVER over San Diego (the Travis Henry swan song go-crazy game)
SAN FRANCISCO over Baltimore (the Trent Dilfer revenge game)
GREEN BAY over Chicago
Dallas over BUFFALO

Last week: 6-8. Season: 41-21.

It seems to me...

It seems to me that the pertinent question is not whether it was proper for the Mayor of the City of Pittsburgh to use a vehicle purchased by Homeland Security for personal engagements, but rather whether the City should want to have as its Mayor any individual who willingly spends his leisure time at a Toby Keith concert.

September, 2007 Film Viewings

9.1- Trust
9.2- Donkey Skin
9.3- Blades of Glory
9.4- Le Retour a la Raison
9.5- Rhythmus 21
9.6- Anemic Cinema
9.7- Ballet Mecanique
9.9- Baby Doll
9.10- Symphonie Diagonale
9.11- Le Vampire
9.12- The Hearts of Age
9.13- In the Company of Men
9.14- Blazing Saddles
9.18- Croupier
9.21- Marooned in Iraq
9.22- The Fountain
9.23- Death of a Cyclist
Day of Wrath
9.24- Hua Yang De Nian Hua
9.25- Stranger Than Fiction
9.26- Iraq, My Country
9.27- Hotel Chevalier
9.28- Knife in the Water
9.29- The 40 Year-Old Virgin
9.30- The Wire 3.1, 3.2

Irony Update

Just in case you didn't know, there is no longer any ironic value in the "You're the Best/ Around/ Nothin's Gonna Ever Keep You Down" song. The reason why this is the case, above and beyond any internet overuse, is because Adam Laroche is presently using the song for his at-bat music.

Week #4 NFL Picks

Pittsburgh over ARIZONA
MIAMI over Oakland
Houston over ATLANTA
Baltimore over CLEVELAND
DETROIT over Chicago
Green Bay over MINNESOTA
DALLAS over St. Louis
BUFFALO over N.Y. Jets
CAROLINA over Tampa Bay
Seattle over SAN FRANCISCO
SAN DIEGO over Kansas City
INDIANAPOLIS over Denver
Philadelphia over N.Y. GIANTS
New England over CINCINNATI

Last week: 10-6. Season: 35-13.

Week #3 NFL Picks

PITTSBURGH over San Francisco
BALTIMORE over Arizona
NEW YORK JETS over Miami
TAMPA BAY over St. Louis
PHILADELPHIA over Detroit
KANSAS CITY over Minnesota
San Diego over GREEN BAY
NEW ENGLAND over Buffalo
Indianapolis over HOUSTON
DENVER over Jacksonville
CHICAGO over Dallas
OAKLAND over Cleveland
SEATTLE over Cincinnati
ATLANTA over Carolina
WASHINGTON over New York Giants
NEW ORLEANS over Tennessee

Last week: 12-4. Season: 25-7.

funny/not funny

funny: the combination of the words "man" and "sandal" to form the hybrid word "mandal", meaning a derisive term directed toward men's sandals.

why it's funny: because in the combining of the two words, the essential phonetic identity of each word is preserved.

not funny: the combination of the words "man" and "nurse" or "man" and "purse" to form the hybrid word "murse", meaning either a derisive term directed toward male nurses or men's handbags.

why it's not funny: the phonetic structure of the word "man" is abandoned, and isn't adequately conveyed by simply replacing the first letter of any noun with "m." It's lame.

Week #2 NFL Picks

Cincinnati over CLEVELAND
Indianapolis over TENNESSEE
San Francisco over ST. LOUIS
New Orleans over TAMPA BAY
Green Bay over N.Y. GIANTS (taking too many road teams here)
PITTSBURGH over Buffalo
CAROLINA over Houston
JACKSONVILLE over Atlanta
DETROIT over Minnesota
Dallas over MIAMI
ARIZONA over Seattle
CHICAGO over Kansas City
DENVER over Oakland
BALTIMORE over N.Y. Jets
NEW ENGLAND over San Diego
PHILADELPHIA over Washington

Last week: 13-3. Season: 13-3.

Week #1 NFL Picks

Just straight winners-- no point spreads, as I'm not interested in gambling for serious money.

INDIANAPOLIS over New Orleans
HOUSTON over Kansas City
BUFFALO over Denver
WASHINGTON over Miami
GREEN BAY over Philadelphia
Pittsburgh over CLEVELAND
New England over NEW YORK JETS
MINNESOTA over Atlanta
JACKSONVILLE over Tennessee
Carolina over ST. LOUIS
SAN DIEGO over Chicago
SEATTLE over Tampa Bay
OAKLAND over Detroit
DALLAS over New York Giants
CINCINNATI over Baltimore
SAN FRANCISCO over Arizona

Yeah, I generally went home teams, and at this point I'd trust the Football Outsiders guys if they predicted the sun would start revolving around the earth, so I'm going stronger on the Panthers and Packers than I would otherwise.

four years old

The Contents of Our DVR (9/02/07)

Frenzy
Cujo
High School Musical 2 (yeah, this one's not mine)
Gosford Park
Juliet of the Spirits (HD)
The Illusionist (for Ali's Edward Norton hangup)
The Young Girls of Rochefort (HD)
2 Episodes of P.O.V.
Au Revoir, Les Enfants
High Plains Drifter
Mr. Death
Trust
The Best of Youth
Cruel Story of Youth
Tsotsi
Greed
Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!
All About My Mother
Croupier
Vampyr
The Honeymoon Killers
The Devil and Daniel Johnston
Cache
The Battle of Algiers
The Conversation
Viridiana
F for Fake
The Immortal Story
Mr. Arkadin
Spirit of the Beehive
The Magnificent Ambersons
The Dreamers
Germania Anno Zero
12 episodes of Justice League
10 episodes of Superfriends
Black Narcissus
The Return (HD)
The Testament of Dr. Mabuse
Broken Blossoms
The Funeral
Hannah and Her Sisters
2046
I Am a Fugitive From a Chain Gang
The Lady From Shanghai
The Sweet Hereafter
Ararat
The Wages of Fear (HD)
Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
The Trial
Throne of Blood
Sisters
Written on the Wind
The Killing
Proces de Jeanne d'Arc
Dodes Ka-Den
The Best Years of Our Lives

You wouldn't think that filling two hundred hours would be so easy.

August, 2007 Film Viewings

August 5: Spanking the Monkey
August 6: Dead Man
August 7: Fixed Bayonets
August 8: The Prestige
August 16: Smiles of a Summer Night
August 17: High School Musical 2
August 18: The Painted Veil (2006)
August 19: Superbad
August 20: SUV Taggers
August 21: The Young Girls of Rochefort
August 25: Art School Confidential
August 26: Three Colors: White
August 27: Three Colors: Red

Dans l'Obscurite

Last month my friend Doug sent me a link to the above video, the contribution from the Dardenne brothers to an anthology of shorts, TO EACH HIS OWN CINEMA, devoted to celebrating the Cannes Film Festival and the idea of film as a collectively-experienced human endeavor. The latter concern is particularly timely. It's not at all hard to find people who will tell you that they love to watch movies and that they watch them constantly but that they loathe theaters for the same reasons that people dislike public toilets. The masses are noisy and inconsiderate and things are just cleaner and better at home at my theater of one or two. As we become more and more attached to lives with fewer and fewer human contacts, we feel at ease in the self-controlled environment of home theaters and pause-able DVD. Home video windows continue to get smaller and there are fewer compelling reasons to go to the movies, the thinking goes. But what if one of the distinguishing characteristics of film as an artform-- one of the things that makes film film-- is its ability to wrap itself around a group of people simultaneously and draw their subjectivities in together? Of course, you don't need to spend much time telling the people who go to festivals that there is still profound, irreplaceable value in seeing films with groups of strangers. DANS L'OBSCURITE approaches the question from even higher ground and posits that there is an actual moral benefit to the theater.

Doug's got a great formal analysis of the short at his website. The short features two actors with connections to past Dardenne films. Jeremie Segard plays another dark blonde-haired young man who needs to be rescued from wayward living, while Emilie Dequenne plays the woman he tries to rob. The casting is a thank-you note to Cannes, as Segard played a pivotal role in L'ENFANT, which won the Palme d'Or in 2005, and Dequenne conquered the known universe as ROSETTA, which took the top prize in 1999. And after having their names associated so often with Robert Bresson (while essentially remaking MOUCHETTE and PICKPOCKET), it feels like a reunion of sorts, or like cutting out the middleman, to have the short take place against the backdrop and under the weighty influence of AU HASARD BALTHAZAR. Apart from those connections, what's most fascinating to me is how this three-minute film manages to perfectly distill the Dardennes' aesthetic. It contains every element that makes the features so powerful-- the unknown or unspoken motivations of the characters, the conflict, the moment of encounter, and the quick cut away after the moment of encounter, as the Dardennes don't presume to tell us how the work of redemption is brought to completion, if it ever is. The touch is light and the emotions are genuine. For the longtime fan, it's a chorus or reprise of the themes they've been tracing throughout. For the uninitiated, it's a perfect three-minute introduction to their form.

There are two ways I can think of to read the young woman's actions; either she knows full well what the boy was in the midst of doing and is moved by the film to immediately forgive him and seek to redeem his actions, or she is "merely" so moved by Bresson's film that she is in need of some human touch and she grasps the first hand that comes to her, oblivious to his intent. It's difficult to overstate just how audacious the first reading is, and I prefer it thoroughly to the other. This sort of forgiveness and indifference to one's own self-preservation is so implausible that it's generally the sort of thing seen only in advertisements. But the Dardennes are way too earnest to pull something like that. Instead we're faced with the challenge that a movie--that the right movie--has the power to confront us with enough beauty and compassion that we would be inspired to forgive and embrace a person seeking to rob us.

I would rather be rendered permanently mute...

...than to have to ever use the word "ginormous."

DAN ROONEY: FOAM PILLOWS ONLY

The Smoking Gun has published the document sent out by the Steelers describing their hotel requirements. It's bland reading beyond the first few pages, but it provides a little insight into the sort of overblown production created by a traveling NFL team these days. And while I've seen it mentioned a few places that the restrictions on incoming calls to players' rooms after 11 p.m. are an incoming booty call-deterrent measure, I think it's more likely the team is trying to prevent enterprising fans from the home team from prank-calling players and disrupting their sleep. And I totally understand their efforts. You can't be too careful these days, lest you end up with another Chiefs incident.

WORLD'S FINEST WEBJUNK (Installment #1)

Virginia's Favorite Superhero Is Elektra

INT. HOUSE - VIRGINIA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

VIRGINIA (3 years old) is being tucked into bed by ALI

VIRGINIA
Why didn't daddy choose me when he was finding a wife?
(considers the matter)
Oh, I wasn't a grown-up lady when you were a grown-up lady.

ALI
...

(after a beat; out of nowhere)
VIRGINIA
Daddy's better than you.

CUT TO:
INT. MINIVAN - DAY

VIRGINIA (to ALI, unrelated to any conversation at hand)
When you die, daddy and I will live happily ever after.

ALI
(laughing)

LEAH and RUBY (in unison)
What did she say?

ALI
Oh, nothing.

VIRGINIA
Tell them!

EBERE!

Our God is good.

The New Man in Black

It's been really hot the last two weeks-- mid- to high nineties and humid. Mike Tomlin's the only guy in Latrobe wearing black clothing. Last year his predecessor spent the dog days of training camp wearing a straw Bermuda hat and white or khaki clothes. At various times in the past few years home teams in hot climates (notably the Jacksonville Jaguars) have worn white jerseys when the Steelers came to town in hopes of making them uncomfortably hot. So why the hot clothes, coach?

Tomlin has worn black every day of training camp, but for the past two days he's at least in shorts and not the long pants he wore last week. He's still wearing long-sleeved black shirts, though, as temperatures hover around the 90s at Saint Vincent.

Finally, yesterday, he let on why.

"It's part of the mental warfare. I don't want guys coming up to me and talking about how hot it is because they know I don't care. And that's part of it. I hope it gets hotter."

Picture and text courtesy of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.

I've yet to read anything about Tomlin that didn't make me like him more. I'd like to see him carry the color scheme over to the regular season sideline and make it into a sort of identity, like a Jerry Glanville who can actually coach.

July, 2007 Film Viewings

7.4 THE NAKED KISS
7.9 HUMAIN, TROP HUMAIN
7.13 SPIDER BABY
7.14 FULL METAL JACKET
7.18 HAPPY TOGETHER
7.19 IDIOCRACY
7.21 GEORGE WASHINGTON
7.25 WENDIGO
7.26 KNOCKED UP
7.27 NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM
7.29 THE ILLUSIONIST

Film Directing OPS

Guy Maddin, in a great podcast interview with Rob Davis:

Quite often, I don't even look through the camera. I find that I get-- by forcing accidents to happen-- I have far better luck. You get a lower batting average on images, but a higher slugging percentage.

Irrefutable proof that baseball season is over...

...came into my possession recently. Although when I noticed the logo for the "75th Season" commemoration, I recoiled in horror. I remember being in grade school and seeing the Steelers wearing the "50 Seasons" patches during a not-terribly-distinguished season. Now I'm no mathematician, but that was twenty-five years ago.

This Sums Up the Last Fifteen Years

Thinking About Where the Penguins Were a Year Ago

With regard to the fantastic news that there will be at least six more years of Sidney Crosby in my future, at the below-market rate of 8.7 M per year of the extension, I guess we should be glad he wasn't born on September 9th or October 2nd or something. Given #87's recurring number gag, I'm a little surprised they didn't wait until his birthday to announce the contract, but on the other hand, getting the deal done and making it public just a week and a half after the start of the free agent signing period is like an extra slap in the face of the Rangers and the Flyers, who both grossly overspent on free agents. For the Rangers, it was just like old times, and they'll be exactly the team I remember when they miss the playoffs next year. And apart from highlighting the lousy contracts that Scott Gomez, Chris Drury and Daniel Briere were handed, by comparison, Crosby's contract should serve as the de facto max contract for the Penguins when the time comes to re-sign the rest of the young talent. Sure, the CBA says you can get a contract equal to 20% of the salary cap, but when the league's best player is only pulling down an average of 18% (and that average should go down each year as revenues and the cap rise), it's a little tough to argue for more.

So, a year ago the team was on the block, had no arena deal, was coming off a terrible non-playoff season and was breaking in a first-time GM with a coach he didn't hire. Today the team is off the market, the State just passed the spending bill for the new arena, they turned in the second-highest points turnaround in league history and the GM just extended the coach another year (this counts as job security in the NHL). Yeah, things have changed.

June, 2007 Film Viewings

June 1: Murder (Polanski short)
June 2: Teeth Smile (Polanski short)
Knocked Up
June 3: Break Up the Dance (Polanski short)
June 4: Two Men and a Wardrobe (Polanski short)
June 5: Le Rayon Vert
June 16: Frantic
June 18: Babel
June 23: Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer
June 28: Electra Glide in Blue
June 29: Ratatouille

WORKING TODAY? ARE YOU F&@$ING KIDDING ME?

STILL NOT WORKING (DAY 2 REMIX)

The kids are waterlogged.
Taking this photo required nearly losing the camera in the Atlantic Ocean.
We're used to the view of the kids facing away from us and toward the great beyond.
Virginia and Grady aren't afraid of getting thrashed by waves.
Leah and Payton aren't yet trying to avoid being seen with us. That comes next year.
Ruby and Emmie have been really brave.
The R-Kelly Alliance. The Otterman Empire.
Kelly is KNOCKED UP.
I'm not at all sure how we were able to get everyone to sit still.

WE ARE NOT WORKING; WE ARE ON VACATION

That view won't enjoy itself, folks.


That corn won't shuck itself, children.


That ocean won't splash itself, Ruby and Emmie.


And that watermelon won't eat itself, Ginger.

RIC JACKMAN: STANLEY CUP WINNER

Congratulations to the former Penguin and reserve defenseman for the Ducks. Jackman may not have actually worked up a sweat in last night's clinching Game 5, but that's not atypical on a team where the top two D-men are each logging thirty minutes a game. And speaking of D-men, congratulations also to Randy Carlyle, the Ducks coach who was the best player on some lousy Penguins teams, and was so good, in fact, that Eddie Johnston was compelled to trade him to Winnipeg for a box of pucks to ensure the team would be lousy enough to draft Mario Lemieux.

So a West Coast team won the Cup for the first time and got to hold the best trophy presentation in all of sport before a home crowd? Let's hope that has some long-term impact in growing the sport. At the very least, the 17,372 who were there should be fans for life. I missed the Ducks' first two home games because I'm in the majority of Americans who doesn't get Versus, but the crowd seemed appreciative of the finer points of the game. And there's this: a vocal portion of them knew enough to boo Gary Bettman despite the fact that their team had won the Stanley Cup not five minutes beforehand.

May, 2007 Film Viewings

May the First: The Icarus of Pittsburgh
May the Fourth: The Painted Veil (1934)
May the Fifth: Interiors
May the Sixth: Safety Last
May the Eighth: Hot Fuzz
May the Fifteenth: Tokyo Drifter
May the Twentieth: The Companion
May the Twenty-sixth: Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
May the Twenty-seventh: Sleeper

EDWARD FORTYHANDS

Meet the man behind the only big-budget summer movie I intend to catch on opening night.

Well done, Chuck Klosterman

I had some spare moments ¹ at the library recently and paged through a recent issue of Esquire. Chuck Klosterman has a nice piece about Andrew Bujalski's films² and the cinema of doing nothing, and his further viewing recommendations are pretty funny:

There's a long tradition of movies in which nothing happens, particularly in Russia; some would argue that director Andrei Tarkovsky (1932-1986) made the greatest, slowest films in cinematic history. However, American filmmakers can be just as compelling in ways that are almost as boring. Here are some classic Movies for Guys Who Like Movies That Will Never Appear on TBS.

Sleep (1963)
Nothing happens to an unconscious man Andy Warhol films for five hours and twenty-one minutes. For some reason, I would like to watch this movie with Thom Yorke.

My Dinner With Andre (1981)
Nothing happens to two men at a restaurant.

Metropolitan (1990)
Nothing happens to people who read The New Yorker.

Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
Nothing happens to desperate misanthropes who attempt to sell real estate in a profane, merciless world. Disclaimer: Does include yelling and rainfall.

What Happened Was... (1994)
Nothing happens to two coworkers on an intimate first date (unless you count coming to the realization that they hate being alive as "something").

Flirt (1995)
Nothing happens three times.

Kicking & Screaming (1995)
Nothing happens to a bunch of postgraduate goofballs who enjoy literature and booze. Quite possibly the greatest artistic achievement of the twentieth century. Also of interest: Highball, an improvisational companion movie Noah Baumbach made (using much of the same cast) at roughly the same time. Nothing happens in Highball, either, despite the fact that two characters dress like Godzilla.

Gummo (1997)
Nothing happens to the fictionalized, freakish rednecks who inhabit the real-life community of Xenia, Ohio, a town profoundly devastated by a 1974 tornado. Wildly unpopular among members of the Xenia Board of Tourism.

Security, Colorado (2001)
Nothing happens to an underemployed woman with a sketchy boyfriend. Includes footage of the protagonist updating her résumé.

Gerry (2002)
Nothing happens to two hikers who get lost in a desert, one of whom is Matt Damon.

The Brown Bunny (2003)
Nothing happens to an asshole with a semidecent van and a huge cock. Better than advertised.

Primer (2004)
Nothing happens to two engineers, although they do wear ties, watch the NCAA tournament, and travel through time.

Old Joy (2006)
Nothing happens to Will Oldham.

1By "spare moments," I mean that I had a couple of hours at the library where I had intended to do some work. STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP wasn't very good television, but the show's signature image-- Matthew Perry's character sitting in front of a blank laptop screen with that damned omnipresent countdown clock hanging in his peripheral vision-- is a compelling one regardless of whether your writing experience is limited to procrastinated term papers in college or whether it extends beyond, into vocation and leisure.³ So there I was, within the controlled solitude of the library. Materials set before me with maximum organizational efficiency. Pen taken in hand and-- hey?-- What's that glint? Is that a new issue of Cycle World? It's been four years since my subscription ran out. Huh, I wonder what the new Ducatis look like. On my way over to the motorcycle magazine I see the Esquire and instinctively pick it up. And then I pick up two other magazines on the way back. You can guess from there how much I got done.


2 I don't read enough issues of Esquire to know if the Bujalski piece is typical of the focus of their featured film writing, but I was pretty jazzed about seeing it.

3 Ha ha. "Leisure writing."

Happy 10th birthday, Leah!

THE THING WITH THREE HEADS

L to R: Leah (10 in two weeks), who is rereading the Harry Potter books in eager anticipation of this summer's one-two punch of a new book and movie; Ruby (7), who is devoted with a white-hot intensity to the health and welfare of her Webkinz; and Virginia (3), who has been getting out of bed at night and putting her Spider-man costume over her pajamas. (Photo taken Easter morning, 2007)

April, 2007 Film Viewings

4.01 The Children's Hour
4.04 Thumbsucker
4.05 Charleen, or How Long Has This Been Going On?
4.06 Grindhouse
4.08 Popeye
4.09 Charleen, or How Long Has This Been Going On?
4.10 Inland Empire
4.14 Velvet Goldmine
4.15 High and Low
4.19 Dazed and Confused
4.23 The Thing With Two Heads
4.28 Exotica
4.29 Children of the Corn
4.30 Shattered Glass

#736 & #737

Ali and I sat through seven innnings of typically lackluster Pirate baseball on Friday night.

Abysmal starting pitching (especially first-inning starting pitching)? Check.

Weak hitting? Check.

Promotional item? Check.


Inexplicably ugly third jerseys? Check.

At least Barry made the night memorable by hitting #736 and #737. The first shot was to straightaway right, while the second landed in right-center. Both went to the short right field porch where Adam LaRoche was thought to be dropping some balls this season. Looks like it might be a whole lot less than we thought.

We were along the left field line near the foul pole, not far from where Barry played in the field. The amount and volume of the booing was pathetic. Maybe the rest of the league can use the steroid business as the reason to blow the guy off, but not the crowd here. Around these parts, Barry's booed for another reason: Whether we want to admit it or not, when Barry left, he took the winning with him.

MEMORANDUM

TO: Pittsburgh Penguins Fans

FROM: Russell Lucas

RE: 2007 Stanley Cup Playoffs Crowd Conduct Issues

It's been six long years since the Penguins darkened the door of the Stanley Cup playoffs. That drought is thankfully going to end within the next half-hour. Tickets for Games Three and Four of the series against the Senators (which the Penguins will win in five games) are already down to standing room-only and single seats. I expect the team will get a boost from the raucous and spirited home crowd, but figure this might be the time to mention a few lingering issues in the hope that we won't be embarrassed fanbasewise.

I. Ice Maiden Etiquette

Yes, I know they're lame. I don't know exactly whose terrible idea it was to add cheerleaders to NHL games or to give sequined and spandexed young women the job of cleaning up the ice instead of the overweight guys who always shuffled out during TV timeouts. I hope the fad fades, too. In the interim, though, don't abuse them. It's such a Ranger move.

II. The Wave

Listen, I can't say whether or not the last few games I attended were aberrations or part of a larger trend. All I know is that I saw The Wave, and there's just no excuse for that. There's really nothing more to say. You paid a lot of money for your tickets, so keep your eyes on the game and don't humiliate the city.

III. Kiss Cam Etiquette

While I am advocating the long-overdue elimination of The Wave, I am simultaneously urging you to continue the practice in place regarding the Kiss Cam. If the Cam should happen to alight upon you and your significant other, please do continue to grind tongue. This significantly enhances the entertainment value of the Kiss Cam. Do not fear that these displays are not classy. If the Arena management insists on subjecting you to the social coercion of training a camera on you in front of 17,000 people who vocally expect you to surrender your physical autonomy, then the least you and your companion can do is add some juice to the whole operation. In addition, soul kissing forces the Jumbotron producer to stay on his or her toes to cut away quickly. I'd like to see the day come when an entire Kiss Cam segment is edited like a Michael Bay movie.

Further, keep this tactic in mind if you should be in the same unfortunate position as this poor bastard. If you have some unresolved business with Johnny Law, there is no quicker way to have the camera leave you alone than to fill your date's mouth with your tongue. Don't forget this.

IV. Jaromir Jagr

Finally, while there is no way to safely predict whether his team will make it to the second round, I need to address an ongoing issue with regard to a former player now employed by the New York Rangers. Jaromir Jagr scored his 600th goal last November. Not many hockey players get there, and fewer still get there at the age of 34. It's typically an achievement reserved to long-time goal scorers scratching around in the last year or two of their careers. A night or so later he scored a couple more times to move into 15th overall and 1st among European goal-scorers. 439 of those goals, along with 640 assists, came while he wore a Penguins uniform. Apparently none of that matters, though. When the Rangers come to Mellon Arena the home crowd shows him the same sort of reception reserved in days gone by for the likes of Eric Lindros, Adam Graves or Ron Hextall.

I really don't get it. And I'm saying this as someone who fell in love with the raw intensity of a hockey crowd when, at eighteen, my dad took me to a Flyers-Penguins playoff game. The noise was so deafening that I was absolutely, positively convinced that our relentless chanting (and not the ten pucks put behind him) was what drove Hextall to his ill-advised decision to chase Rob Brown around the north end of the Civic Arena while wielding his goalie stick. So I know a little something about the upside of the angry crowd dynamic. I should also mention that the first pro football game I attended in person was the infamous 1984 Pittsburgh Maulers-Birmingham Stallions game, in which 65,000 fans used both drunken jeers and the perfect packing snow (which had been miraculously/intentionally left in the aisles at Three Rivers Stadium) to express their displeasure at Cliff Stoudt's incompetence as a pro quarterback and his brazen decision to take his incompetence to a joke league. Another fun story, though perhaps not the finest hour for humanity.

So, my question is this: what could possibly justify treating Jaromir Jagr in the same fashion as Ron Hextall or Cliff Stoudt? How can Jagr get the same sort of reception as Barry Bonds or Kordell Stewart?

Let me refresh your recollection:



Remember that goal? The one that Jagr said he "didn't know enough English to describe" and which Mario called the greatest goal he'd ever seen. That was the goal that buried the Blackhawks. Sure, Mario's actual game-winner came with a handful of seconds left in the third, but Jagr's goal was the psychological back-breaker, the one that announced there was no way that team was hanging with the Penguins over a seven-game series. Yeah, they could win a period or two, as they had in Game 1, but they wouldn't be holding the Cup at the end. They had to know it.

Whenever the Penguins would play the Capitals in Landover in the early- to mid-1990s, some loud protion of the Caps fans in attendance (that it, those who hadn't scalped their tickets to Penguins fans) would always make a whoop-whoop-whooping sound every time Penguin Larry Murphy touched the puck. It sounded weird, but apparently it was intended to show their displeasure following the years he spent with the Caps. It always struck me as a pathetic and self-loathing chant. The fans were taunting a guy who came to the Penguins after stays in Minnesota and Washington who immediately proceeded to win two Stanley Cups while being the most important blueliner on the most exciting NHL team of the early nineties. He fell up the stairs, went from rags to riches. You think he cared about the Washington fans holding a grudge against him? Of course not. Jagr, in contrast, hasn't improved his position since he forced the trade. Still, don't be that guy. Be the guy enjoying his own ridiculously talented team.

Looks Like They Cut Him Just In Time

The Joey Porter who played for the Steelers never would have apologized, for crying out loud.

March, 2007 Film Viewings

march the first: God grew tired of us
march the third: raiders of the lost ark
march the seventh: the passenger
march the eighth: superstar: the karen carpenter story
march the ninth: hiroshima mon amour
march the twenty-seventh: muriel's wedding

Dish Network Should Pay the Penguins a Commission

Back in the 2000-2001 season, the Penguins gave in to eight years' worth of fan complaints and brought back the familiar skating penguin logo shown to the left. The bad news to this good news was that the team replaced the taxicab yellow that Pittsburgh sports teams have long worn with a glittery hue they call "Vegas gold." Of course, I always figured this was a description, and not a prediction.

I've been following the Pittsburgh Penguins on a consistent basis for half my life now-- since 1989-- and some expectation of (1) impending financial ruin, (2) relocation, or (3) farce is part of being a fan of the team. In 1975 the team filed for bankruptcy to get breathing room from creditors and the players and coaches were padlocked out of their practice facility. The team's then-GM nakedly tanked the second half of the 1983-1984 season to set them up to draft Mario Lemieux. Just eight years ago, the team hired the greatest Czech hockey coach to lead the team despite the guy not knowing English, only to fire him after he disobeyed an off-season order to learn the language.

Still, though, the current situation might beat all of those. Last night fans kept one eye on the home game against the Devils and one eye on the impromptu meeting in Philadelphia between the team's owners and the state and local officials who are controlling the purse strings over the unbuilt arena. Lingering over all this is the ubiquitous file photo of the half-completed arena in Kansas City, a chandelier-like structure that's giving the team a come hither look.

At the same time, the on-the-ice outlook couldn't be brighter. After trading Jaromir Jagr in 2001, the team spent four seasons bottom-feeding for lottery picks, and that failure has paid off. The team's solidly positioned to make the playoffs this year, and the fans have responded with standing room-only sellouts. Even after last week's deadline deal for a 30 year-old and a 40 year-old, the Penguins possess one of the more unique distributions of scoring by age group, with four forwards scoring more than twenty goals and the ages of those players being 18, 19, 20 and 39. There's a literal generation gap in scoring prowess, not to mention the decided deficit in playoff experience that was made a bit better with the acquisition of Gary Roberts and Georges Laracque. Still, the young talent is routinely drawing comparisons to the early '80s Gretzky-Messier-Kurri-Coffey Edmonton Oilers. And the youth of the players has helped to stir the enthusiasm of that other demographic particularly immune to Pittsburgh's charms-- the 18-35 set who comes to Pittsburgh to go to school, then leaves to find employment elsewhere.

We knew Crosby was great, but he's matured into the team's de facto captain and will win the Art Ross trophy, at least, this year. We knew Evgeni Malkin was going to be great, but his 30 goals have exceeded even those expectations. Jordan Staal wasn't expected to make the team right out of being drafted in the first round, but he has not only been a fierce penalty-killer, he's also showing way too much offensive skill to be saddled with less than fifteen minutes a game of ice time spent mostly in penalty-killing and checking-line duties. He's got a 26% shooting percentage, and is one of only five players in the league who has scored more than twenty goals with a shooting percentage of 20% or better.

So where does that leave me? We moved into our current house two years and two weeks ago, and since that time we've been without cable TV. I could probably have gone on indefinitely with rabbit ears and Netflix, but the 14-0-2 run by the Penguins which ended two weeks ago pretty much cinched the decision to get some sort of pay TV. I mean, watching highlights on the internet or the local news and catching the occasional game in person or at a bar is one thing, but the team actually making the playoffs and me not watching is something else entirely.

The Dish Network guy comes on Tuesday, a few hours before the Penguins-Sabres game.

It's Funny How Thought Processes Process

My mom bought me a few articles of clothing and some of it didn't fit. So last night I was standing in the store deciding between a half-dozen garments-- nylon, cotton, fleece-- and I said to myself, "Now, which of these was made in Cambodia?

February, 2007 Film Viewings

2/2 TUCK EVERLASTING
2/3 TWO OR THREE THINGS I KNOW ABOUT HER
2/6 SNAKES ON A PLANE
2/7 IL GRIDO
2/9 THANK YOU FOR SMOKING
2/10 HOWL'S MOVING CASTLE
2/11 THE CABINET OF DR. CALIGARI
2/15 ALL ABOUT EVE
2/16 MARIE ANTOINETTE
2/17 BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA
2/18 CHICAGO
2/20 VOYAGE TO ITALY
2/22 HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE
2/23 RAGING BULL
2/24 BLACK BEAUTY
2/25 CINDERELLA
2/26 PLAYTIME
2/27 LA NOTTE

take, the

Belaboring this at all would just be pathetic, but the primary pleasure I derive from having a birthday these days is celebrating it with the girls. Virginia, in particular, was almost insanely excited about the belated birthday dinner we found a few hours to hold tonight, in a week where scheduling snares have absented me from home with nighttime meetings from Monday through Thursday. Oh, and I still get a big kick out of getting gifts. This year's haul: from Virginia, a cute craft she made in preschool; from Leah and Ruby, Criterion's reissue of Tati's PLAYTIME; from Ali, a year of Film Comment; from my mom, a big pimpin' nylon track suit; from my dad, three years worth of ESPN The Magazine * and a year of The Hockey News.

I would like to think that I am the only person alive to show up on the subscriber lists of both Film Comment and The Hockey News, but off the top of my head it seems to me that some or all of Guy Maddin, J. Robert Parks and Jeremy Smith may fit that profile, or fit it at one time.




* Last year my dad sent me a year of Sports Illustrated so that I could bask in the largess of their Steelers Victorious! package. You mean to tell me this is the same magazine that once overpaid Hemingway to write an article on bullfighting? It's abysmal. SI now spends more pages giving fantasy football tips than it does actually covering the NFL. I can't recall a single serious and well-written article about sports and culture or nature in SI in the past year that was written exclusively for the magazine. Anything even remotely high-end was excerpted from a book, and while David Maraniss's bio of Roberto Clemente and Michael Lewis's account of Michael Oher seem like good books, there's no reason at all to credit that to SI. Mind you, I'm not expecting the print version of The Worldwide Leader to contribute much to BEST AMERICAN SPORTS WRITING 2007, but at least their snark won't have the accompanying stench of faded significance.

Good films being made (and ignored) for comparatively little

In the midst of all the inconsequential run-up and hype surrounding the impending Oscars, I was really happy to see this article in today's morning paper. Based on experience, I would have expected just a blurb next week listing the winners of the Independent Spirit Awards. I can't vouch for the quality of any of the nominees apart from OLD JOY, but I'll seek out the eventual DVD releases and I'm willing to wager that there's more thoughtful filmmaking here on balance. And with direct producer-to-viewer modes of distribution coming into focus, there's reason to see a silver lining in the clouds. Also: wow. Just $30,000 to make OLD JOY? And I'd rather see it twice again than sit through the PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN sequel a second time.

How Cold Is It?

While the car's thermometer waffled between 0 degrees and 1 degree on my way to work this morning, the real indication is this: in my fully-heated car, my fully-charged iPod wouldn't play.

AN OLD PHOTO (FOR KAETHE)

January, 2007 film viewings

1.1 TALLADEGA NIGHTS
1.2 10th DISTRICT COURT
1.3 MONSTER HOUSE
1.5 LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
1.6 ARMY OF SHADOWS
1.7 M. HULOT'S HOLIDAY
1.12 LITTLE CHILDREN
1.13 CHILDREN OF MEN
1.14 SINGIN' IN THE RAIN
1.20 PAN'S LABYRINTH
ARMY OF SHADOWS
1.21 STORY OF A LOVE AFFAIR
TO BE OR NOT TO BE
1.22 THE LOST BOYS OF SUDAN
WEDLOCK HOUSE: AN INTERCOURSE
1.24 A SCANNER DARKLY
1.27 THE DEVIL'S BACKBONE

Yeah, this.

Insight:

There's an excellent chance the next Steelers coach will be a no-nonsense Western Pennsylvania tough guy, who, despite such a style, is loved by his players. He'll be a coach who will give time to the media, but not gladly. He'll be angry in defeat and step to the back in victory. He'll have little use for small talk and will have an extremely small circle of confidants.

No, Bill Cowher is not being rehired.

By most indications, assistant head coach Russ Grimm is being promoted.

A Query

What has two thumbs and is glad he didn't take his two HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL-mad kids to see the stage version when it came through town last week?

This guy.

Hypocrisy?

http://attorney-wastrel.blogspot.com/2005/08/birth-of-nation.html

Sid's 20th Goal

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Seriously, the Calder Trophy is nothing, and I fully agree with that result on the basis alone of Ovechkin's twenty or so highlight reel goals from last year. There are bigger trophies out there, like the Ross and Hart, and Crosby's making a run at both of them this year. He's a better passer than Ovechkin, and now he's got his own off-his-skates goal for the For Your Consideration clips. He's still running roughly 1:2 in goals-to-assists, but if he keeps playing with Malkin and Recchi, I don't see anything other than an injury keeping him from the scoring title. I have doubts as to whether a one-line team, even with its one line like that one, will be able to make the playoffs this year, but we'll see an uptick in team defense when Mark Eaton returns from his wrist injury in the next month. At the very least, it should go down to the last few weeks.

2007

These are not resolutions.

First: In 2007 I vow to do everything within my power to eradicate (or, at the very least, mercilessly ridicule) one of the two stupidest rhetorical devices in common use by nonfiction writers.* Recent examples read in just the past few days are this article from the Post-Gazette's sports page and also in this article Bill Gates wrote for Scientific American about robots. The device is nearly always found in the opening paragraph of the piece and is easily spotted. The writer will describe a thing or condition in somewhat vague detail, but without actually naming it. Then, after painting this inexact portrait, the writer pulls the rug out. It turns out that instead of broadly describing the thing we were all thinking, the writer was actually describing something else obviously similar to it! Ho HO! You mean to say you weren't describing the Steelers, but rather the Bengals? I surely never would have suspected there were such similarities between 8-8 football teams. Can this be? You're not actually just talking about the present state of robot technology, but reiterating the recent history of personal computer technology? That's clever!

I'm inclined to label this rhetorical time-wasting a Plainly-Obvious Switcheroo, but that's due in part to the acronym it yields. I'm open to suggestions as to what it is called. I'll be spending some part of 2007 linking to and mocking the worst uses of this device.

* In case you were wondering (you weren't), the other stupidest rhetorical device in common use is the "lead off with an unattributed quote that seems to be describing a present-day state and then grandly reveal that the quote was said at a time and place commonly thought to be idyllic and free from the menace described in the quote" manuever.

Second: Because this worked to perfection last year, I reiterate it here in modified form: I vow to watch the Pittsburgh Penguins win the Stanley Cup in 2007. Whether the team then promptly relocates to Kansas City is another matter.

Third: I vow to wait until at least January 19, 2007 before getting a haircut.

Fourth: I vow to have my 1040 completed and filed on or before February 20, 2007.

Fifth: I vow to housetrain the one on the left.

December, 2006 film viewings

12.9 SUPERMAN RETURNS
12.10 LITTLE CHILDREN
12.31 CHARLOTTE'S WEB (2006)

No, not a misprint. This might provide some insight into what I'd like to see change in 2007.